| today.
i feel lonely.
sad.
isolated.
rejected.
unwanted.
i never liked.
this shitty feeling.
never once.
never twice.
never ever.
the feeling.
of being stabbed.
slowly.
deliberately.
the muscles.
of my heart.
i feel pain.
slowly creeping in.
burning.
the knife.
rusty.
dirty.
dull.
slowly slicing.
my blood.
oozing.
my breath.
heavy.
i feel it.
i feel it.
i feel it all.
i need salvation.
i need a sip of comfort.
a drop of security.
resurrection.
i need it.
i need it.
i need it desperately.
i need it now.
hi.
hello.
can somebody.
really hear me?
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i.
i don't think.
i belong here.
nor there.
no.
not at all.
not anywhere.
i find myself.
again.
in this humid.
bright.
fluid.
chaotic.
and colorful place.
my body still.
hopes to adapt.
to the place.
where.
it should have been familiar.
but am i?
but is it?
every sweat that drops.
is a constant reminder.
every color i see.
brings out something.
from my memory.
every noise.
tells me.
i am home.
am i?
then how come.
every sweat that drops.
also smells foreign.
every color i see.
slowly becomes unfamiliar.
every noise.
asks who i am.
who am i really?
where am i really?
home?
please.
forget it.
i never felt home.
not here.
not there.
i never had one.
and it is hard to say.
if i can ever find one.
i am homeless.
i always am.
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i saw her.
yesterday.
in a room.
filled with awkwardness.
casual hi's.
and hello's.
nothing more.
nothing less.
i ran a mile.
just to see her.
after all the days.
that i seem to bury.
in denial?
in regret?
in hipocrysy.
that night.
however.
all it took.
was a phone call.
not from her.
no.
but all is fine.
all i wanted.
was her.
that night.
was going to be.
the night.
or was it?
a few minutes passed.
then 10.
and 20.
our eyes.
avoided.
my eyes.
seeking.
her eyes.
not interested.
then came.
a miracle.
an invitation.
to fulfill.
an unclaimed promise.
off we went.
to the prairie.
in the cool of the night.
surrounded by tall, dead grasses.
underneath the cloudy sky.
we had.
inebriating smokes.
our perception.
distorted.
euphoria.
was in the air.
we laugh.
we drank.
we forgot.
the past.
the lights.
now seem so bright.
i could see the stars.
behind the gray clouds.
my skin.
filled with excitement.
off we went.
to the dancefloor.
feeling every music.
feeling all that is good.
i found her.
in the corner.
dancing to the beat.
her body.
moves beautifully.
passionately.
i craved.
once more.
for her touch.
her smell.
her sweat.
a raved sauna.
my body.
feels the heat.
i perspired.
all over.
inebriating drinks.
filled my throat.
only adding.
to the burning sensation.
i feel.
my head.
moves with the music.
my eyes.
fixed at her.
all it took.
was a touch.
to her waist.
as she turned.
she surrendered.
around my arms.
two bodies.
moving.
with the wave of music.
passionately.
i could feel her.
she could feel me.
the feeling.
is explosive.
a surge of lust.
her neck.
her chest.
her body.
i have longed.
we were locked in.
that very moment.
sharing.
what we can never have.
feeling.
what we can.
no words were spoken.
the actions.
however.
were loud.
very loud.
a volcanic eruption.
thank you.
i miss you.
will i ever see u again?
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| today, he died.
i stand alone in the midst of a warm midwestern summer. dumbfounded. unable to react, i lifted my heavy hands towards my face. seeking for the poorly lit cigarette at the tip of my fingers. for some odd reason i could feel the warmth of that cigarette as it draws near towards my face. just once more, i said. just one last puff. i need your comfort right now. my trechearous mistress. Her smoke blurred my eyes. unable to inhale, her fumes enters my eyes. unable to blink, unable to move. a feel a cast encasing my whole body, leaving only a small hole for a stick of cigarette above my mouth. asphyxiated, a tear fell down my eye.
i found my self suddenly ruminating on thoughts i have already been expecting. I knew from deep down in the gutters of this dark heart of mine that this day would come. I have seen this day, and I am well-aware of the emotions that I might be feeling. the question was not when, rather it was "who". the how? well it speaks for itself. his cold body lay awkwardly on the greasy street. if i could talk to him right now, i would mention how he looks just like a ballerina. a ballerina indeed, violated by a thousand dickless devils. his blood red as the devil's lip, flowing slowly out of his mouth. the blood does not stop flowing, as if there was some magical perpetual fountain inside of him. again, if i could say something to him, i'd tell him.. "i told you so."
"i told you so."
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one lazy.
winter night.
i looked through.
an old pile.
of aging.
memorabilias.
things.
of various.
genres.
fragile little.
figurines.
funny little.
postcards.
finite little.
photos.
faint little.
memories.
as i trivially searched.
i stumbled.
upon a very.
familiar.
image.
a picture.
covered.
with a thin.
glaze.
of light.
reflecting.
towards me.
as i look closer.
i saw.
two distinct.
images.
a boy.
and.
a girl.
smiling.
nervously.
weirdly,
awkwardly.
towards.
an unidentified.
cameraman.
the image.
seems.
to be askewd.
there were.
various business.
at the background.
but the two.
haunting.
smiling faces.
pops out.
i wonder.
what happened.
at that moment.
that very.
moment.
who are they?
why are they.
there?
when are they.
there?
the image.
makes the two.
seems together.
yet.
maybe not.
the girl.
oh the girl.
was gorgeous.
with her silky
black dress.
her rose-red.
necklace.
her lips.
are the colors.
of blood.
her eyes.
heavenly brown.
her hair.
fantasticly.
deadly.
virulently.
black.
and the boy?
ah the boy.
that boy.
was just a boy.
grinning.
with his teeth.
white.
his nose.
flat.
his hair.
hurriedly shaved.
his shirt.
crumpled like paper.
his face.
confusedly.
crazily.
unbelievably.
in cloud 9.
now.
i wonder.
whatever happened?
after the photo.
was taken.
did the boy.
sweep.
the girl away?
or did the girl.
crushed.
the boy's heart?
in a quick.
snap.
of my skinny.
fingers.
i had.
an enlightenment.
i realized.
that the boy.
never.
took.
her bloody heart.
home.
nor did she crush.
the boy's.
pumping heart.
because.
at the end.
the girl.
never saw the boy.
never noticed.
never knew him.
never felt him.
and the boy.
oh the boy.
was never.
in that photo.
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