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today.
i found myself.
digging.
digging deep.
down the memory lane.
i so wished.
to have never sought again.
familiar palpitations.
of my heart.
beats.
lub.
dub.
lub.
dub.
lub lub lub.
dub dub.
lub.
the feeling.
of the whale.
once beached.
then beached again.
on the gravel island.
i had once left.
but never did.
calling their names.
on top my lungs.
again.
and again.
but the sound.
was never felt.
never uttered.
and alas.
then again.
i have arrived.
to feel.
my feet.
planted on the sand.
shivers.
down my soul.
the island.
once again.
wanting to call.
the times.
when I wandered.
away.
only to recall.
I didn't at all.
come my child!
it spoke.
walk to the forest.
out the beach.
to the cave.
come my dear!
the path.
is certainly laid!
so I will.
as was spoken.
as was forged.
of this union.
we had formed.
that I will.
one sudden day.
be.
at your side.
folded up.
as a child.
forever be.
in your cold hands.
your shivery embrace.
your putrid breath.
I shall endure.
until I.
once more.
fall.
in a deep.
deep.
sleep.
dreaming.
of one day.
when I.
shall never be.
you.
again.
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| high.
as a seagull.
soaring in the bosom.
of the stout.
clear sky.
high.
as a note.
on that last.
mischievous belch.
of a fat soprano.
high.
as the galaxies.
of the galaxies.
of the unknown.
vast dimensions.
high.
as a writer.
that writes.
under an enormous.
literary orgasm.
high.
as a painter.
on that last.
satisfied moment.
he touched.
his wide canvas.
his masterpiece.
high.
i am high.
like the first cry.
of a confused.
neonate.
high.
i am high.
just high.
just the right.
kind of high.
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| life.
is music.
i hear it.
i dance it.
i enjoy it.
i like.
all its different.
melodies.
rhymes.
rhythms.
beats.
it plays.
in my head.
over and over again.
in my ears.
night and day,
in my heart.
like eternity.
time.
seems to stop.
seems to bow down.
seems to stretch.
my life.
and my music.
plays.
just plays.
like forever.
today.
it stopped.
suddenly.
without a warning.
without a sign.
of an overwhelming.
pungent doom.
suddenly.
all i hear.
is silence.
deafening silence.
as i stand there.
where i always have.
my ears bleed.
slowly.
i feel.
that slow-moving.
sticky.
fishy.
blood.
making its way.
out of my ear.
"the silence".
it yells.
"the silence".
is deafening.
down it flows.
out of my ears.
as i stand.
under the maple tree.
all i hear.
was nothing.
all i see.
was the a mere.
lingering light.
of the dusk.
of the cold.
bitter.
winter dusk.
all i feel.
is the chill.
coldness.
that crawls up.
to my spine.
freezing.
every bone.
every muscle.
every skin.
but keeping.
my blood warm.
just enough.
to keep me.
breathing.
living.
dying.
the blood.
warm and dark.
flowing through.
my frozen veins.
saw salvation.
through my ear.
it flows.
like it was born.
for the first time.
in its life.
out of my ears.
out of my body.
out of my soul.
it flows.
down my lobes.
down my jaw.
down my neck.
into the cold.
outside world.
that it was.
once forbidden.
steam.
goes off.
as it marvels.
through the world.
of uncertainties.
what it knows now.
is the cold.
and the silence.
it flows.
on my shoulders.
on my back.
on my belly.
i feel it.
i smell it.
i know.
its warm and dark.
consistency.
i feel it.
through the silence.
of my life.
as i stand there.
in that corner.
where the maple.
meets the concrete.
it flows.
slowly.
to my waist.
to my thighs.
to my feet.
to my soles.
to the concrete.
and it freezes.
the whole lot of it.
it freezes.
as i stand.
breathing.
living.
dying.
in that silence.
in the absence.
of my music.
in the absence.
of my beats.
in the absence.
of my melodies.
without.
the absence.
of silence.
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| today.
i feel lonely.
sad.
isolated.
rejected.
unwanted.
i never liked.
this shitty feeling.
never once.
never twice.
never ever.
the feeling.
of being stabbed.
slowly.
deliberately.
the muscles.
of my heart.
i feel pain.
slowly creeping in.
burning.
the knife.
rusty.
dirty.
dull.
slowly slicing.
my blood.
oozing.
my breath.
heavy.
i feel it.
i feel it.
i feel it all.
i need salvation.
i need a sip of comfort.
a drop of security.
resurrection.
i need it.
i need it.
i need it desperately.
i need it now.
hi.
hello.
can somebody.
really hear me?
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|
i.
i don't think.
i belong here.
nor there.
no.
not at all.
not anywhere.
i find myself.
again.
in this humid.
bright.
fluid.
chaotic.
and colorful place.
my body still.
hopes to adapt.
to the place.
where.
it should have been familiar.
but am i?
but is it?
every sweat that drops.
is a constant reminder.
every color i see.
brings out something.
from my memory.
every noise.
tells me.
i am home.
am i?
then how come.
every sweat that drops.
also smells foreign.
every color i see.
slowly becomes unfamiliar.
every noise.
asks who i am.
who am i really?
where am i really?
home?
please.
forget it.
i never felt home.
not here.
not there.
i never had one.
and it is hard to say.
if i can ever find one.
i am homeless.
i always am.
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